The science and research is telling us that couples that maintain sexual connection long term prioritise having regular sexual pleasure together.
Yup its a practice and we need to re think our old ways of viewing it!
We live in a world that has brought up generations of humans who think there is something wrong with them if you don’t feel this constant sexual turn on to your partner.
And hey there is nothing wrong if you like spending time finding out how to make that sexual turn on happen on the regular.
The truth is when we first meet sure we feel attraction and we spend time getting to know each other and experiencing perhaps lots of sexy times together.
Then commitment kicks in and a household is created, perhaps with children, pets, jobs, mortgages and a thing called the day to day life of repetitive things.
And this is what we were expecting I am sure. Yes I love this person and I want to share my life and my family and my day to day experiences with them.
And it is assumed the sexual attraction will just happen.
Herein lies the new piece of information about how does this happen.
It is knowing that you want to share sexual pleasure with your loved one because this is how I show them I love them, and I want to make time for this.
We are all busy right? So it makes sense to agree you want to set aside some of your precious time and energy to devote to sex.
It is also wonderful to focus on having sexual pleasure your way, not how you think you are meant to, or how other people do it, but YOUR WAY!
How this looks is by being able to communicate in a way that you feel comfortable letting each other know what you like, how you like it, or even what you might like to try.
It is about appreciating you might like different things in the bedroom.
It is not up to one person to know what the other needs or wants.
It is not up to one person to always initiate.
It is meant to be a fun and playful activity where two people contribute.
It helps if you practice asking each other great questions, getting really curious about your partner as this creates a loving connection.
It creates a sense of safety to be able to give and receive pleasure.
And it works if you commit and actually DO IT!
I like to encourage humans to get more curious about their whole body, instead of going straight for the pleasure in the genitals. Mostly we have been taught to go straight for the instant gold, but this repeated over and over in the same spot can hinder humans from experiencing playful, loving 'in the moment' pleasurable sex. Our brains can get in the way! You might like to try something different!
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I was reminded recently by one of my mentors, the wonderful Esther Perel, that Love is a Verb and for those of you who might remember their school English, a verb is what they call a doing word, ie it means you have to do something, take action. All these actions are ‘cushioning’ for your relationship. And when the ‘cushioning’ thins out and you have stopped doing the things you used to do regularly that you both enjoyed, this means you have NOT been conjugating the verb LOVE.
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Show Me Love can mean so many different things to different people Somehow it is always assumed that if you are with a partner that you actually love each other, and maybe for you that is the case. Or maybe you just are not sure as their behaviour does not feel very loving. Here is a series of questions that might prompt you to understand what LOVE actually means to you and how important it is or is not in your relationship.
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